Some insidious sap must have done something sinister to an alligator to prompt the Florida government to shell out big bucks to post signs near every known body of fresh water to admonish us: “Do Not Molest the Alligators!”
As Floridians known, any body of fresh water, including a puddle, can house and hide a predator; whether a gator, a water moccasin, or a peeping Tom with a mask and snorkel. So people need to know what dangers lurk beneath the surface. Nothing kills tourism quicker than tourists becoming the main course for a variety of man-eaters. At least that was the case in “JAWS.” Nowadays, however, such a horror might attract people. Just not the kind of folks we want wandering around Florida.
But why does the sign say molest? What exactly did that kinky kook do to an alligator? Did that incident inspire the sci-fi thriller “The Alligator People”? How could anyone, except another alligator, find an alligator sexy? How can you determine their gender without getting near their claws and teeth? And what standard does one use to decide which ones are sexy?
That kooky culprit must have imbibed serious amounts of chemical substances and/or felt extremely lonely. Excessive solitude can sully one’s emotions. Sadly, sometimes I find myself attracted to Rosanne Barr. And sailors at sea too long often confuse manatees with mermaids. But why? Manatees don’t wear coconut bikini tops.
Seems like crooks breaking such laws would suffer capital punishment without the government, or at the very least, undergo involuntary amputation. Like Coco “Stubs” Callahan who claims he got to second base before the creature suddenly got the munchies. Not only did his wife leave him, he got fined for hand-feeding, and in his case, elbow-and-arm-feeding the wildlife.
Florida law forbids our feeding alligators, because doing so makes those Super-Sized lizards with rows of teeth associate humans with food. And in a reptile’s brain, “people bring food” soon becomes “people are food.” That means whoever originally molested an alligator did so, without first buying the beast dinner. What a creep!
If that sicko had swum in salt water instead of fresh, would we post signs that say?: “Do Not Shag the Sharks!”
Author Name: D. B. James
Article: “Do Not Molest the Alligators!”